no_lj_christine (no_lj_christine) wrote,

Ho fucking ho ho.

I've been having a severe form of PMS called COMPLETELY MISERABLE BITCH. Here's a good joke. You know it's been a year when you're boyfriend finally believes and accepts the fact that there's not reason why I'm crying but just pure emotions. I have been grappling with this being from home situation. I feel that I am still viewed as a child by people outside my own family. Which is ironic, but makes sense since my family knows me better. I took so much shit from different people because I "ditched" my family for Christmas. What's hard to explain in a quick come back is I'm trying to grow up. I'm in this mambo of trying to balance my relationship with Jon and my family and my friends. It's unfortunate that it doesn't mesh together neatly, but eventually this will all work itself out. Yes, I felt bad not being there to watch Sabrina's last Christmas believing in Santa probably, and I felt bad that my dad spent Christmas alone. But, why does this have to fall on me? Why am I the only one on this planet that dad needs? It's a lot of responsibility
on a 20-year-old to realize that I'm the sole person that truly holds the glue to my dad's life.
This long distance relationship jazz sucks, but at the same time it's made me a stronger person. I'm closer with my family because I spend more quality time with them when I am home. I'm not really so sure what I'm rambling about. Mostly, that I am not a little girl anymore and I'm grappling with adult decisions. It's scary. It's scary to have the power to pack up my room and move to New York. It's like I'm trying to choose a college or something. I'm in another transitional period, and frankly this mambo sucks. It's crazy that I have to make another super important decision.
I love Jon whole-heartedly. Truly do. He's wonderful. And his family is unbelievably giving. And honestly, his family is my family too. His mom refers to me as a daughter-in-law voicing that Jon has no choice but to marry me, and Jon referred to me in relation to Uncle Abe as his niece. Legality and paperwork aside. I spend Christmas with my family- just not my whole family.
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